No discussion of coming out of the closet is complete without talking about the barriers, the things holding us back and burying us in the closet if we let them. These hindrances are serious and can only be dispelled by putting them out on the table and talking about them. They must be serious — why else would so many of us languish in lonely misery, longing for acceptance and companionship but too afraid to do anything about it? Some of our fears are based on false assumptions, while others are legitimate. Let’s take a look at them and see if we can separate myth from reality and figure out what to do about both.
First let’s list some of the common reasons for hesitation:
- Fear of divulging our secret
- Social stigma
- Fear of disapproval and ridicule
- Fear of scandal and alienation
- Fear of misunderstanding
- Fear of harassment
- Fear of hurting those we love
- Lack of self-confidence
- Assuming we have to “pass”
- Not knowing where to go and what to do
- Fear of going it alone
- Disapproval of a spouse or significant other (SO)
- Confusion about sexual orientation
- Fear of losing control
- No interest
Hmmm, that’s a pretty formidable litany of obstacles. On second thought, you’d have to be crazy to even think about coming out. Let’s forget the whole thing.
Just kidding. Let’s press on. But before we do, I want to make an important point:
Technically, the terms “out” and “coming out” usually refer to a gay or transgender person making the conscious decision to deliberately and unabashedly announce to the world his or her sexual or gender orientation, and let the chips fall where they may. Obviously, this means that person has decided that freedom from secrecy and duplicity are worth any adverse consequences he may have to face as a result of coming out.
But this sort of full disclosure is not necessarily what I am referring to in our situation. In fact, given the state of things, I don’t believe full disclosure is a smart choice for many of us whose lives and common sense dictate that some sort of limited disclosure might be the preferred route. Discretion is the better part of valor and all that. I believe with all my heart that things are changing rapidly and the time is fast approaching when a TG can function in mainstream society without fear of stigma or reprisal, but it ain’t here yet, baby. Thankfully there are a few of us — pioneers all, God bless ‘em — whose circumstances and personal courage permit them to step into the spotlight of “out all the way” disclosure, but the rest of us must be satisfied with striking some sort of compromise, which I prefer to think of as balance.
I think Sandra has a slightly different outlook on this than I do, and hopefully she will be sharing that with us, but I know that she is also very sympathetic to the concerns of those who are interested in a more conservative approach. Consequently, what you will be hearing from us will be a blend of a recognition of the need for discretion and a call to help us in our trailblazing efforts.
One more thing — there’s no way I can exhaust this subject here in this blog. That would take a whole library of books, or better yet, some personal dialog. Which brings us back to the support group, but you know where I’m going with that. Okay, let’s move on.
No interest in coming out
Before I say another thing, I want to acknowledge right up front that not every TG feels the need to come out. More than a few are quite content to keep their dressing or whatever to themselves, not out of any sense of fear or guilt particularly, but because that is enough for them. They have no need to disclose anything, no urge to step out the front door or interact with others. There’s nothing wrong with that attitude and I have no desire whatsoever to try to persuade those people otherwise. If that’s where you’re at, stick to your guns. All I ask is that you be honest with yourself, and should the time ever come when you begin to feel the need for interaction of some sort … well, you know where to come.
The shame game
All too often, shame and guilt are the greatest barriers to a TG experiencing life as a cross-gender being. Grrrr, that makes me so mad! Not at the TG, but at the forces that put such thoughts in her head. I don’t want to delve too deeply into the subject of why we are transgender — that’s a whole other discussion — but unless you are just a kinky fetishist in this for the sexual thrill, odds are your gender identity is all wrapped up with who you are as a human being and certainly not something you should be ashamed of.
So the next time you get all dressed up, I want you to go to the mirror and instead of worrying about your makeup or your hemline, look yourself in the eye and remind yourself that you are looking at a good, decent, interesting person whose gender identity is nothing to be ashamed of. The only reason you might have to feel guilty is if you fail to deal with your gender issues honestly and courageously. The more effort you put into understanding transgender issues and what it means to be transgender, the less guilty you will feel about it. And the only way you’re going to understand is to quit beating yourself up and find some peers to interact with. Hint, hint.
Prejudice
I don’t have to tell you that we have not yet reached the point in our society where TGs are accepted as “normal” — whatever the heck normal means — by a fairly large segment of our society. (I know some “normal” people who are pretty screwed up, don’t you?) We can take that one step further and admit that there is a certain amount of prejudice in our society concerning TGs.
Right now, society is still largely ignorant about such matters and let’s face it, all too often ignorant people tend to disrespect things they don’t understand. We have only to consider the histories of women, minorities and gays to know this is true; those histories can also inform us as to what must happen in order for TGs to gain tolerance and acceptance. It starts with you being honest with yourself, even if you don’t totally understand what you’re experiencing, and having the courage to insist, in a kind and diplomatic way, that those around you treat you with kindness and respect. In other words, you have to respect yourself before anyone else will respect you.
Fortunately, there are a growing number of TGs coming out of the closet and taking an activist role in addressing transgender issues head-on. These intrepid souls are integrating into mainstream society, dispelling myths and misperceptions, lobbying for equal rights, demanding fair treatment in the workplace and functioning as sane, safe citizens of the realm. Most importantly, TGs of every persuasion, and to varying degrees of “outness”, engage in person-to-person interaction, which is the most effective way to defuse prejudice and open people’s minds and hearts. Pioneers in a way, they pave the way for all of us to realize our dream of social integration. That’s why it’s important for all of us to do what we can to further the cause, for ourselves and for each other.
Fear
Prejudice. It’s such an ugly word. It strikes fear into the hearts and minds of TGs because of the havoc it can wreak in their lives. To be outed as a sissy, a pervert, a transvestite can result in broken homes and marriages, familial alienation, loss of friends, loss of job, social ostracization and even harassment. In other words, your life can be turned upside down. This is especially true for TGs who happen to live in small, conservative communities where everybody knows everybody and the rumor mill never sleeps. No wonder TGs hide in the closet, imprisoned by their fear.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. With a liberal application of common sense and discretion, a TG can avoid all the bad stuff and still expand his TG universe, enjoying slices of life in his or her adopted gender and dealing compassionately with loved ones. We’ll talk at greater length about this in Part III. For now, I just want to stress how important it is to realize that while each of us must be realistic about his or her situation, don’t make the mistake of exaggerating the risk. There are strata in our culture where you can function in your chosen gender identity at least part-time, and it is possible to do so and keep your life on track. We’ll be talking about balance quite a bit later on.
Insecurity
The second most frequent excuse I hear from closeted TGs who want to go out but haven’t is, “But I can’t pass.” In other words, because he doesn’t believe that he can pass himself off as a gender girl (GG) and fool everyone that he’s a real woman, why then, he’ll just stay home.
That’s nonsense.
For one thing, passing is virtually impossible for most (but not all) crossdressers unless they’re willing to undergo some pretty radical hormonal therapy and a few surgeries. For another thing, it doesn’t matter because you know what? You’re not a real woman. You’re a guy with strong feminine traits and a need to function in ways that reflect that. There’s nothing wrong with that. But here’s the really important solution to this dilemma: what’s far more important than passing is learning how to present yourself as a tasteful, attractive, feminine person who is confident, relaxed, friendly and … well, like I said, attractive. This makes all the difference in the world, trust me. I’ll talk more about this later.
Another source of anxiety seems to be a TG’s confusion about what his or her gender blending means in terms of sexual orientation, and the fear that escalating her activities will cause her sexual behavior to go spinning out of control. Usually, this worry is expressed by a heterosexual TG who is fretting that his gender blurring might mean that he is gay. (This is also the worry of many SOs trying to cope with the situation.) Well, this particular subject warrants its own thread, so I won’t even pretend to adequately discuss it here. I will say that stereotypical perceptions can creep back in here, failing to reflect the fact that there’s a little bit of sexual blurring in all of us. That said, crossdressing is not some form of uncontrollable sexual possession. Contrary to public perception, it does not prove that you are gay, nor are you going to suddenly start lusting after men (or women, as the case may be). I will admit that some heretofore heterosexual crossdressers express occasional fantasies of being romanced the way a woman is wooed by a man, but I can also testify that most of them have or would discover that there is big difference between fantasy and reality.
To my way of thinking, if you’re single, this really isn’t a problem. Even if you did discover that you are gay, so what? Go with it, I say. And if you’re not sure, a little experimentation will probably tell you everything you need to know. But if you are in a committed heterosexual relationship, you should first be mature enough to distinguish between an occasional fantasy — and we all have fantasies of some sort — and who you really are, and behave accordingly. Second, you are honor bound to respect and protect the commitment of love and fidelity you have made to another person who could be traumatized by a minute’s selfish behavior. I mean, when you think about it, we all face temptation; what married person isn’t ever attracted to someone else, doesn’t fantasize about having an affair or a one night stand? We all have. That doesn’t mean we should act on those impulses, right? Well, it’s no different just because you put on a dress, so get over it and enjoy what you have.
The nuts and bolts
Surprisingly, one of the most often-cited reasons TGs remain closeted is that they simply don’t know how to go about getting out of the house. How to get to the car and down the street undetected, where to go, what to do, how to be safe? And too, most of us would much prefer to have some company to ease those newbie qualms, but where to find suitable companions?
We’ll take a look at details in Part III, but now I want to point out that answers to these questions are usually at your fingertips. I did a quick online search for gay clubs in Amarillo (guessing that they were my best chance at finding a tolerant environment), then simply picked up the phone and called ’round, verifying that I could indeed go to a particular club without fear of rejection or reprisal. I know Sandra used the OUTstanding web site to make personal contacts (which, by the way, eventually led Sandra to serving on the OUTstanding board, a position she still holds). If I’m not mistaken, only later did they venture to clubs and other public venues.
So what I’m saying is the answer to this problem is as close as your computer and cell phone. It ain’t rocket science, baby. As for company, if that’s what you’re looking for, well, that’s what Amarillo TG Support Group is all about.
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In Stepping Out Part III we’ll get down to the brass tacks of going out.
