Now that we’ve laid the groundwork of examining why a TG might wish to explore the world beyond her own domicile, as well as some of the obstacles to doing so, I want to wrap up this series by going over the nuts and bolts of going out. For someone who has been out for awhile, this stuff may seem fairly obvious, but if you’re new to all this you probably have a lot of questions. Don’t let that bother you — trust me, we all had the same questions and concerns at one time or another. Some of us had to figure things out through trial and error, often going it alone, but we’re more than willing to share what we’ve learned in the hopes of paving the way for your own adventures.
In order to simplify this discussion, I’m going to assume that you have not yet elected to fully transition to full-time TG status, and that you may not ever do so. Right now, you’re essentially functioning as a part-time mtf or ftm crossdresser. There can be a lot of subtle and not so subtle pressure within the TG and gay communities for a crossdresser to take things to the “next level” in her appearance and behavior, and to out herself completely to the world, damn the consequences. If you are in a position to do that and have duly weighed the potential consequences, that’s great. But if you’re like the vast majority of TGs, you have to balance this aspect of your life with other obligations and responsibilities that cannot and should not be taken lightly — things like family, job, community, etc. “Balance” is the key word here, and don’t ever let anyone, including you, make you feel bad for being mature enough to maintain that balance. But by the same token, you shouldn’t let the need for balance and discretion delude you into thinking you have to hide in the closet the rest of your life. As we shall see, that just ain’t so.
Hit the road
Before proceeding any further, let me point out an important tip. Whether we’re talking about shopping or finding a nightclub or a restaurant or whatever, some of you may be uncomfortable (for good reason) stepping out too close to home. This is especially true if you live in a small town and/or want to avoid running into someone you know. A great solution is to head for the nearest large city, where you are better afforded a more comfortable degree of anonymity. This has been my solution for years and it has worked well for me and lots of other gurls. If the city is relatively close to your town you may still have to exercise some caution and judgment, but you have many more options nevertheless.
There’s out, then there’s out
Sandra has not been on the TG scene very long, but her approach is a bold one nonetheless. She is essentially the public spokesperson for our group and in that role she’s willing to step into the limelight. She doesn’t hide her gender orientation from family or friends. She regularly frequents mainstream venues in full dress. If I’m not mistaken, she is making plans to transition to full-time TG status sometime next year. In other words, Sandra is an activist, and she is out ! I for one applaud her honesty and courage, and I’m grateful that she’s doing what we all need to be doing to one degree or another, which is working to change public perceptions and cultivate tolerance for TGs in our society. We all stand to benefit from such commitment.
For someone that out, some of the concerns and precautions I am discussing in this series do not really apply. But for the time being, I wouldn’t say that Sandra is a typical TG, simply because most of us cannot step that far out of the closet, at least not yet. I definitely fall in the category of TGs who feels she cannot be totally open with the entire world about my gender orientation. There are certain people I prefer not to traumatize, my work situation has to be considered, and being outed in my small town would result in social ostracism.
These concerns effectively shrink my TG world. Yes, I’ve been going out for years, and I cannot overemphasize how important and rewarding that activity is, but I am careful where I go and what I do. What that essentially means is that I’m not “out” in my home town and even in Amarillo I tend to avoid places where I’m likely to bump into people from home, people who might recognize me and talk about me behind my back. It means I don’t go to the mall in a skirt, or to Outback (no pun intended) in a skirt, or … well, you get the idea. I pick and choose where I go carefully and so far that tactic has been successful. Yes, there is still a small amount of risk, and I’m always pushing the envelope a little bit, but I believe anyone sticking relatively close to the guidelines I’m suggesting in this series of posts can be reasonably sure of going out without creating problems for herself.
By the way, when I stray farther from home — Dallas or OKC, for example — then I’m much more willing to circulate in mainstream society without reservation. The last time I was in Santa Fe, for instance, I spent the entire weekend en femme and never put on a stitch of boy clothes until I was 30 minutes from home. I went wherever I wished, I did it all alone, and I had a ball.
People are going to be nicer than you think
I’ve said before but I’ll say it again: if you’ve taken pains to put together a tasteful look, and if you conduct yourself with an air of confidence and friendliness, you’re going to be amazed and delighted by just how often you have positive encounters with other people. The majority of people won’t even notice, and if they do give you a second look, they basically don’t care; they have their own lives to worry about. A smaller group of people will go out of their way to be nice and supportive, and that’s wonderful. Only a tiny fraction might be snarky, but if you’ll ignore them and maintain your confidence, it won’t go any further than that. As for store employees, they are almost universally going to behave as if waiting on a TG was the most normal thing in the world.
Remember, confidence and a warm smile make all the difference.
If you’re ever in doubt about whether it’s okay to go to a particular place in TG mode, just do what I do — pick up the phone and call them. Just tell them what’s up and ask how they feel about it. I haven’t had to do that too many times, but I’ve never had a negative reaction. In fact, when I arrive, I usually find they’ve been expecting me and go out of their way to welcome me.
Shopping for “your look”
I can tell you from experience that your outings will be much more enjoyable and people will interact with you more positively if you make a serious, informed effort to put together an attractive look. Now don’t go putting words in my mouth here — this does not mean that you have to be passable to go out! No matter what you may think or hear, the reality is that 99% of us don’t pass and never will, at least not without hormones, surgery and a fortune in clothes and cosmetics. But it is okay to not pass! People won’t hold that against you, and it won’t keep you from having a great time. That said, your self-image and the impression you make on others will be greatly enhanced if you learn how to apply makeup and hair effectively, dress tastefully, etc. This makes all the difference in the world. You can not pass and still be a very attractive person, but it does take some effort.
Discussions of how to choose a wig, how to wear makeup, how to figure out your clothing sizes, yada yada, are better left for our group meetings and other threads, so I’m not going to wade into all that now. But one of the most frequent questions from newbies is, “Where can I shop?” There are actually two questions there — “Where can I shop?” and “Where can I shop en femme (i.e., shop while dressed femininely)?” There are basically two answers: shopping online and shopping in brick-and-mortar retail stores.
The answer to online shopping is easy — once you’ve figured out your sizes, you can basically shop anywhere. Some sites like Suddenly Fem cater specifically to mtf crossdressers and offer clothing designed for the typical male anatomy. EBay is another great resource. Other crossdresser sites offer women’s fashions, but a a male has to be careful because many of the items may not fit a man too well, especially the one-size-fits-all variety. Bear in mind, however, that you are by no means limited to crossdresser sites. Any women’s clothing site will work, so it’s just a matter of finding the styles you like. Spiegel and Newport News are two sites that are popular with several of my CD friends, but there are many more.
Let me take a second here to address a concern many gurls have about ordering online — how to handle deliveries. If for some reason you would rather not have orders delivered to your home or office, consider renting a mail box at one of the retail mail centers such as your local UPS Store. They’re inexpensive and your packages will be held for you — if you wish, they’ll even call you when your packages arrive.
As I mentioned, knowing your sizes really helps in ordering what’s right for you. There are some useful sizing guides (like this one) on some of these sites, but the most sure-fire solution is to try things on at a clothing store, which brings us to your second option. Way, way too many TGs are uptight about shopping for women’s wear in retail stores. That’s entirely unnecessary. TGs may not be mainstream yet, but these days most stores have strict policies about non-discrimination and store personnel have been trained to provide us with courteous service. After all, your money is as good as anyone else’s. Even in a conservative town like Amarillo, Sandra and I can personally testify that you can shop without fear just about anywhere, and specifically at stores like Dillards, Bealls, Penneys, Kohls, Victoria’s Secret, Target, Payless and WalMart, just to name a few. What’s more, if you need assistance, you shouldn’t hesitate to come right out and tell the sales clerk that you’re shopping for yourself, and that you’d like to use a fitting room to try things on. Even better, try shopping en femme. Trust me, it will be okay — actually, it’s pretty fun. This may be a little hard for you to believe just yet, but if you’ll try it just once, you’ll discover we’re right.
Here’s another hot tip for you: women’s sizes can be pretty confusing, so until you’ve figured out your sizes pretty accurately, consider hitting the thrift stores, too. It’s a great way to experiment with sizes and styles without wasting a lot of money on mistakes. In fact, I still hit the thrift stores regularly and have found some of my favorite outfits there. And yes, I often shop en femme.
Makeup is another huge question mark for newbies, and I’ll admit there is a big learning curve involved. This is an issue we want to address on a regular basis in the support group and we have a terrific makeup artist who has agreed to help us, but in the meantime, you can find tons of advice by Googling “makeup for crossdressers”. Nothing beats person-to-person coaching, but that’ll get you started. As for where to buy, the answer is — you guessed it — anywhere that sells cosmetics. We all have our favorites, but most of us really love MAC makeup, which can be found in MAC stores and in upscale department stores such as Dillard’s. I often shop for Cover Girl, L’Oreal and Revlon at WalMart (that’s also where I buy my temporary nails and eyelashes). Sally Beauty Supply is another good resource (Amarillo has three locations). And in case you’re wondering, you can definitely request a makeover at the cosmetic counters. The technicians will be happy to oblige, but don’t abuse the situation. Be prepared to buy some makeup to compensate the technician for her effort.
Wigs, breastforms, jewelry and other accessories are easy. We’ve provided some links on this site, as well as some local stores in our Directory. We don’t list a resource unless we have personally dealt with the merchant or a recommendation has been made by someone we trust. In other words, you can shop with confidence and expect great products and good service at fair prices.
Making your getaway
Some of you may be in my situation — maybe there’s someone in your home you’d rather didn’t see you in gurl mode, and/or you need to get to your car and out of the neighborhood without being spotted by someone you know. That can be a problem if you want to be made up and dressed before arriving at your destination. In this case, it’s time to get creative. Here are some tips that have worked for me:
- Invest in some light luggage in which to keep the stuff you’ll need for an outing. I keep a duffel bag packed with some shoes, a couple of outfits, stockings and underwear, breastforms, a purse, etc. I have smaller individual bags for my makeup, hair and jewelry, which I store in a smaller duffel. I can toss both duffels in the trunk ahead of time and hit the road on a moment’s notice.
- If possible, consider putting on your underwear, stockings, etc. under your street clothes before leaving the house. This makes changing much easier and avoids having to get completely undressed to change. If I’m leaving the house after dark and there’s no one else home, I might also put on my makeup, breastforms and jewelry.
- The simplest solution is to grab your bag(s) and head for one of our group meetings, where you are welcome to use the facilities to do your makeup and get dressed. At meeting’s end, you can either change back on the premises or, better yet, stay dressed and join us as we go out for the evening. But sometimes this isn’t a good option for me — I might wish to get dressed for my outings earlier in the day so I can run errands en femme, or because I enjoy driving in gurl mode, or because it’s not always meeting day when I go out. In this case, I look for another solution.
- These days, my normal MO is to use a friend’s private facility before leaving town. This works great, almost as good as dressing at home. Or maybe you have a friend who doesn’t mind you changing at her house. If you have this option, it eliminates a lot of inconvenience.
Lodging
Checking into a hotel or motel is my favorite solution for dressing away from home, especially if I’m going out of town and able to spend the night. I’ve chosen this option in Amarillo many times. Compared to your other options, it’s downright luxurious and chock full of perks. And from the get-go let me make one thing perfectly clear — if you’re nervous about the staff knowing you’re a TG, get over it. ‘Cuz you know what?
They. Do. Not. Care.
Understand? Good. Here are some of my parameters and experiences:
- I normally look for a motel in the mid to econo price range, but for all I know I would be as welcome at an upscale hotel as anywhere.
- I prefer a room with its own exterior door for the most direct access to my car, but that’s not a deal breaker. In fact, it matters to me less all the time.
- If I’ve dressed earlier in the day, I do not hesitate to check in en femme. Again, they-do-not-care.
- Likewise for running to the ice machine, the vending machine, the lobby or whatever.
- I prefer upstairs rooms cuz I like going up the stairs in my mini-skirt. Yes, I am scandalous.
- Don’t put your cell phone next to the electronic door key in your purse cuz sometimes the phone will scramble the key. I usually ask for two keys, but it’s no big deal to go to the front desk for another one if you have to.
- If you’re planning a late night, check in early in the day so you can take a nap. And I love being able to shave my legs right before I go out so they’ll be silky smooth all evening.
- I love throwing on a little makeup and a skirt the next morning to go to the lobby for coffee and continental, but I usually sleep too late for that.
- It’s wonderful not having to drive home after clubbing, and being able to shower and dress again the next morning for another fun day en femme before going home.
Quick change artist
When all else fails, there’s always Plan C. Actually, I sometimes choose this option because it’s the most opportune or convenient.
- Plan C is to change in my car. Because it usually takes me about an hour to change, this requires some thought. Many times I’ve used a rest area on the highway. This sounds harder than it actually is, and while it can be a little awkward at first, with a little practice you can develop a system that works pretty well. If you have this option, make sure the rest area is well lit and safe. I have never felt unsafe doing this, but keep your doors locked anyway. It also helps if your car has good interior lighting, including an illuminated vanity mirror. Try to keep the time you might be undressed to an absolute minimum. I do my makeup, nails and jewelry first, which takes up 95% of the time needed for the transformation. Then I get my gurl clothes laid out so it only takes me a minute or so to change. With all that done, I straighten up my car interior, stash my bags in the trunk, put on my wig and bada-bing, I’m a good time waitin’ to happen!
- In lieu of a rest area, I scout for a place in the city proper, usually a retail parking lot. My favorite place is a small, secluded, but well lit back lot located near the Target store. The mall parking lot works fine — look for a cozy spot away from the main entrances. I’ve also used the front lot at a truck stop.
- At evening’s end, when it’s time to go home, I simply reverse the procedure, stopping somewhere (usually the rest area) to turn into a pumpkin again. I keep makeup remover, water and a wash cloth in my car, and always take time to stow everything neatly back in my bags after changing.
Da Man
Some of you may be wondering if I have ever had an encounter with law enforcement during these or other escapades. Yup, sure have. Two times in seven years, in fact, both of them at the rest area, both of them routine checks. I think the state trooper was wondering if I was a “working girl”, the other one (a local deputy from a nearby town) was just being nice, checking to see if I was a damsel in distress. It didn’t really matter, but both times I was fortunate to have already finished the transformation, so I wasn’t caught in some awkward in-between stage. I know — vanity, vanity. Anyway, in such a situation, it is vital to remember:
- to be completely honest, cooperative and polite
- that you are doing nothing illegal
- that you are not the first TG this officer has ever seen, and that he has been trained to deal with a TG like he does anyone else
- that unless you are naked or intoxicated, you have nothing to be afraid of
So was I scared? The first time, I was nervous but I wasn’t afraid; I sensed it was going to be okay and acted accordingly. The trooper was polite, professional and brief. The second time I wasn’t nervous at all, kind of enjoyed it in fact, because I could tell the young deputy was either really curious or maybe even a little turned on by what he was seeing, but he couldn’t figure out how to broach the subject. He didn’t even check my ID, just smiled as I batted my eyes at him and assured him that I was okay, thanking him profusely for being so sweet.
Nightlife
Okay, so you’ve successfully navigated the magical transformation from boy to gurl (or girl to boy) and you’re all set to have a good time. Where, besides our wonderful, fulfilling, enriching group meetings, is there to go, what is there to do? I’m so glad you asked.
If you’re hungry, there are definitely safe, TG-tolerant eateries all over town. We have eaten in numerous restaurants and always been treated with courtesy. I will confess that while I’ve done most of my dining solo, having some company makes the restaurant experience much more fun. There isn’t a fast food joint in town I would hesitate to try, except maybe a few near the mall or Soncy. Ditto for convenience stores, gas stations, etc., which I think are a lot of fun.
Most of us go clubbing when we want a night out, and most TGs gravitate to gay and lesbian clubs, even if they’re not gay themselves. Why? Because those offer the most tolerant atmospheres. Fortunately, Amarillo has several excellent GLBT clubs, all within a few blocks of each other in the downtown district. They are well run and if you follow a few common sense rules (see below), you’re not likely to encounter any unpleasantness. To the contrary, they are great places to hang out, make new friends, enjoy the music, dance or watch the game on the TV monitors. Three of the clubds have live DJs later in the evening. The 212 has drag shows on Sunday nights that are hugely popular, drawing a large crowd of gays and straights.
I should inject here that you are not going to see many other TGs in the Amarillo clubs, not because they aren’t friendly environments but because too many of us are still hiding in the closet. But we’re hoping to change all that if we can get you gurls to join us for our GNOs (gurls night out). It’s been my experience that club goers tend to take more interest in a TG group than in loners, which is all the more reason for us to band together and recruit new members. But don’t take that the wrong way — when I mention interest, I don’t necessarily mean sexual interest, which is something hetero TGs sometimes worry about. The truth is, gays and lesbians aren’t typically interested in TGs in that way, especially if the TG isn’t gay.
As for other forms of entertainment, anything’s possible — straight clubs, movies, bowling, coffee shops, church, all sorts of things. I personally haven’t done too much of that, but that’s not to say you shouldn’t. I would suggest that it might be best, or better, to do them with friends rather than alone, at least until you’re familiar with the venues and they with you. I for one am dying to go to a straight nightclub, but I probably won’t until I have some straight friends to go with. Hint, hint.
Use your head
We’ve all heard horror stories about unpleasant encounters and worse. Yes, they do happen to women, children, minorities, gays … and TGs. This ain’t a perfect world. But in more than seven years of venturing out into the world, I haven’t had a single bad experience. Not even a close call, knock on wood. I tend to believe that God watches over me, but I also think it’s because I’ve tried, for the most part, to exercise some common sense, and you should too.
Go out with friends if possible. If you can, let someone know where you’re going and when you’ll be home. Stay away from the rough parts of town. Stay out of leather bars (not that Amarillo has any leather bars) and biker bars. Make friends with the bartenders and club owners and always tip well.
Avoid dark alleys and deserted parking lots late at night. Stop at the door to look around and keep your wits about you going to and from your car. Have your keys ready and don’t unlock the car until you’re ready to get in. Look inside your car before getting in. In the unlikely event someone were to hassle you, ask the bartender or a bouncer to accompany you to your car when you leave.
Be sweet to everyone and don’t get into arguments. Avoid drunks. Don’t drink too much yourself. Be tactful and kind when brushing off unwanted advances. Ignore insults. Don’t flirt with someone else’s girlfriend or boyfriend. Don’t get in a car or go home with someone you don’t know very well. Don’t pick up strangers.
Make sure you always have identification, your keys, some cash and a cell phone in your purse. A loud whistle and some pepper spray’s not a bad idea either. Be wary of other pedestrians and avoid groups hanging around on street corners. If someone follows you while driving, head for a police station.
In other words, use your head. There’s no need to be paranoid, but being careful will nearly always keep you out of trouble. Relax and have fun.
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Okey-dokey, that about wraps up this introductory series on the Amarillo TG scene. I hope it’s helpful, but I’m sure I’ve overlooked things, and I know there are other ways of looking at some issues. I would love to hear your thoughts and questions, so please, let us hear from you. Post all the comments you want, or jet me an email. Better yet, get involved in the group so we can hash it all out together.
