Hi All

It’ has been way too long since my last post, my computer caught a virus and when the doctor got it cured I had lost some information like how to get to this site for posting plus school was a little busy. Since my last post I had a book published called “My Girlfriend”, it’s an unedited short book through Author House.

Anyway, what’s this about a “date”? It really wasn’t my date, I just ended up with them. A friend of mine called me up and asked me to meet her, I always enjoy meeting with her so I meet her at a local club. When we met she informed me about this blind date she was meeting. She said she felt a little nervous about the date and the fact that she had us meet at the club and sort of sprung the date information on me at the last minute. I told her anytime she needed me to just call and as long as I am in town I will do my best to be there for her. I admit I was a little curious about the situation and even though I would be the third wheel I was looking forward to it.

We left that club for a few moments and went to another club to see what was happening there. We had a drink, visited with the bar tender and visited with a couple of other ladies before going back to the first club. We went in and sat at the bar and ordered our drinks. Shortly after getting our drinks my friend’s date came over and asked if she was his date. We all shook hands and did the usual “hi there” greetings.

A little bit of time passed and he asked if we wanted too get something to eat which we both agreed it would be nice to have something to eat. We went to a local restaurant and we had a nice long visit. I thought he was being very gentlemanly and polite the whole evening. He did ask me out when my friend went to the bathroom and I reminded him that I am married. I was flattered that he found me attractive yet at the same time he was her date, what is it with guys.

The rest of the evening went very well, we went to another club, I danced with my friend and with a couple of other folks and then we ended back at the first club. While we were at the second club I took my friend in my arms and whispered to her that she should go out again with this guy and this time leave a pair of panties for him to find or just give them to him before they parted. She gave a look and said that I had a deviant mind; still she thought about, we both laughed over that idea.

I’m not sure she’ll be seeing him again, I enjoyed it for the moment and thought about what it would be like for someone else to take me out on a date; I am not so curious to be looking. I enjoyed the experience and will be there for my friend if she every needs me.

Sandra

Hey Girls, just to let you know what it’s like going out in the daylight in Amarillo. I know on other post, blogs and forums everybody is always talking about going out at night. They talk about some of their “close calls”. Yes, when you first step out of your front door and into the great outside it gets very nerve wrecking. You’ve heard all the other stories and then someone sees you and it all comes crashing down because of fear. The person that just drove by or walked by you doesn’t really see you as you.

Once you get by these initial frights the world begins to open up to you as in the rising sun opens the world. I did, many years ago, go out at night. Then I thought about the stories from the other sites and realized that it wasn’t the fact they went out as much as where they went. I would not go to a redneck bar full of homophobics to begin with so why would I go there as me?

Yes it does help to have some idea of how you should behave in public, dress, walk, body language, what to do if? and basically be a woman. That’s one of the reasons for a support group ladies. This gives you the chance and opportunity to learn about yourself and how to be yourself.

Okay, I know out in Amarillo. Yes I go shopping at the mall, girl has to have clothes. I have found many stores accepting of my money. When the sales clerk realizes this is a purchase and in the dollar amounts that help their commission, they are extremely friendly. These businesses are in business to make money and those who have some kind of high moral, which is mislead, usually do not last very long when they discriminate against anyone.

Because of my, and our, odd sizing plus the style I wish to project I usually shop in the upper end stores. These clothes are of better quality and when I shop the sales racks and the clearance racks I end up paying about the same as you would in discount place. The dressing rooms at the upper end stores are cleaner, nicer and they have more of them. I get person attention from the staff. My favorite place is Dillard’s and there are a couple of ladies that I like to deal with and we have developed a very cordial customer to sales clerk relationship. they know I am there to shop the sales, see the new styles coming out and that if I don’t buy it that day that I’ll be back to get later.

Now I don’t just go shopping, I go out to eat. I go where I want to go. I did go with some friends to one place that I was a little concerned about. I went and I went with the attitude that I am who I am and I am a woman. We had a good visit with the owner before we left and I did not experience any negativity.

Speaking of attitude, this is the most important thing of all. This is the thing you should put on first before you caress. When you do go out, go out with the attitude that you are in the right place, you are there for a reason (even if it is shopping) and if those persons have a problem with you it’s their problem not yours. Just remember Flip Wilson as Geraldine and all the attitude she had.

I’ll be back later, hopefully not as late as my last visit, and I’ll visit with you ladies more about being out and about.

HUGS Sandra

Last year I went to Vegas for a TRI-ESS Holiday En femme. I had a wonder time and spent the entire time as Me. Besides meeting a lot of new girls from around the country I had the chance to see the town. If you’ve never been, WOW, it is really neat to see all the stuff there. Yes I did see the La Cage show while I was there and afterwards we had a chance to meet Frank Marino who portrays Joan Rivers.

On the last night several of us went out and we generated a crowd wherever we went. Some folks go to Vegas to see the sights, we go and we are the sights (LOL). I lost count of how many poses with and without those who came up to us for a photo opp. We stayed up all night, returned to the room long enough to pack and change; for that trip I traveled in butch mode.

While waiting for the flight I overheard a lady talking about the “Drag Queens”she saw the night before, if she only knew how close she was to one of those “Drag Queens”. I just laughed to myself, I had my nails done and they were still painted. When we got on the plane I passed out from exhaustion. This trip made a big difference to me about being ME and the need to reach others.

I’ve got more road trip stories to share later.

HUGS Sandra

I saw KD Lang on Leno last night and was struck once again by how cool she is. I’ve always loved her music. She has such a powerful, incredible voice. Gives me goosebumps. Plus, she has wonderful taste in music, always delivering something unexpected, intelligent, beautiful and memorable. As far as I’m concerned, she is one of North America’s finest vocal talents and has been for a long time. She deserves greater fame than she gets.

I was impressed anew last night by KD’s appearance and fashion sense as I watched her perform (in bare feet, the same way I dance!). As any fan probably knows, KD came out of the closet as lesbian years ago and has made no effort to conceal her sexual orientation in ensuing years. To the contrary, I’d say KD is unabashedly butch, at least in appearance, and she pulls it off with a lot of style and class. I suspect that her outing may have limited her career somewhat — how else to explain why she doesn’t get more airplay? — but I applaud her honesty and courage. And I can’t help observing, if KD isn’t a crossdresser, who is? *

If you’re not familiar with KD and her music, I’ll do you a favor. Here’s an old video to give you a taste of just how wonderful she is –

* If I haven’t been accurate in characterizing KD’s orientation or used the right terminology, hopefully one of you F2M boys will help me out.

An interesting article recently appeared in the New York Times (online version) about TGs in Oaxaca, Mexico. Maybe that’s where I need to be! I do believe the time is coming when a reasonable facsimile of such tolerance will exist in American culture. Here’s the article (I added the photo):

A Lifestyle Distinct: The Muxe of Mexico

Mexico City — Mexico can be intolerant of homosexuality; it can also be quite liberal. Gay-bashing incidents are not uncommon in the countryside, where many Mexicans consider homosexuality a sin. In Mexico City, meanwhile, same-sex domestic partnerships are legally recognized — and often celebrated lavishly in government offices as if they were marriages.

But nowhere are attitudes toward sex and gender quite as elastic as in the far reaches of the southern state of Oaxaca. There, in the indigenous communities around the town of Juchitán, the world is not divided simply into gay and straight. The local Zapotec people have made room for a third category, which they call “muxes” (pronounced MOO-shays) — men who consider themselves women and live in a socially sanctioned netherworld between the two genders.

“Muxe” is a Zapotec word derived from the Spanish “mujer,” or woman; it is reserved for males who, from boyhood, have felt themselves drawn to living as a woman, anticipating roles set out for them by the community.

Anthropologists trace the acceptance of people of mixed gender to pre-Colombian Mexico, pointing to accounts of cross-dressing Aztec priests and Mayan gods who were male and female at the same time. Spanish colonizers wiped out most of those attitudes in the 1500s by forcing conversion to Catholicism. But mixed-gender identities managed to survive in the area around Juchitán, a place so traditional that many people speak ancient Zapotec instead of Spanish.

Not all muxes express their identities the same way. Some dress as women and take hormones to change their bodies. Others favor male clothes. What they share is that the community accepts them; many in it believe that muxes have special intellectual and artistic gifts.

Every November, muxes inundate the town for a grand ball that attracts local men, women and children as well as outsiders. A queen is selected; the mayor crowns her. “I don’t care what people say,” said Sebastian Sarmienta, the boyfriend of a muxe, Ninel Castillejo García. “There are some people who get uncomfortable. I don’t see a problem. What is so bad about it?”

Muxes are found in all walks of life in Juchitán, but most take on traditional female roles — selling in the market, embroidering traditional garments, cooking at home. Some also become sex workers, selling their services to men. .

Acceptance of a child who feels he is a muxe is not unanimous; some parents force such children to fend for themselves. But the far more common sentiment appears to be that of a woman who takes care of her grandson, Carmelo, 13.

“It is how God sent him,” she said.

Katie Orlinsky contributed reporting from Juchitán, Mexico.

Fascinating. If you are as intrigued by this as I am, tons of information can be found on Google, Flickr, YouTube and a number of blogs. Thanks to Susandrea (a GG) for posting the article on the crossdressers.com forum.

Now that we’ve laid the groundwork of examining why a TG might wish to explore the world beyond her own domicile, as well as some of the obstacles to doing so, I want to wrap up this series by going over the nuts and bolts of going out. For someone who has been out for awhile, this stuff may seem fairly obvious, but if you’re new to all this you probably have a lot of questions. Don’t let that bother you — trust me, we all had the same questions and concerns at one time or another. Some of us had to figure things out through trial and error, often going it alone, but we’re more than willing to share what we’ve learned in the hopes of paving the way for your own adventures.

In order to simplify this discussion, I’m going to assume that you have not yet elected to fully transition to full-time TG status, and that you may not ever do so. Right now, you’re essentially functioning as a part-time mtf or ftm crossdresser. There can be a lot of subtle and not so subtle pressure within the TG and gay communities for a crossdresser to take things to the “next level” in her appearance and behavior, and to out herself completely to the world, damn the consequences. If you are in a position to do that and have duly weighed the potential consequences, that’s great. But if you’re like the vast majority of TGs, you have to balance this aspect of your life with other obligations and responsibilities that cannot and should not be taken lightly — things like family, job, community, etc. “Balance” is the key word here, and don’t ever let anyone, including you, make you feel bad for being mature enough to maintain that balance. But by the same token, you shouldn’t let the need for balance and discretion delude you into thinking you have to hide in the closet the rest of your life. As we shall see, that just ain’t so.

Hit the road
Before proceeding any further, let me point out an important tip. Whether we’re talking about shopping or finding a nightclub or a restaurant or whatever, some of you may be uncomfortable (for good reason) stepping out too close to home. This is especially true if you live in a small town and/or want to avoid running into someone you know. A great solution is to head for the nearest large city, where you are better afforded a more comfortable degree of anonymity. This has been my solution for years and it has worked well for me and lots of other gurls. If the city is relatively close to your town you may still have to exercise some caution and judgment, but you have many more options nevertheless.

There’s out, then there’s out
Sandra has not been on the TG scene very long, but her approach is a bold one nonetheless. She is essentially the public spokesperson for our group and in that role she’s willing to step into the limelight. She doesn’t hide her gender orientation from family or friends. She regularly frequents mainstream venues in full dress. If I’m not mistaken, she is making plans to transition to full-time TG status sometime next year. In other words, Sandra is an activist, and she is out ! I for one applaud her honesty and courage, and I’m grateful that she’s doing what we all need to be doing to one degree or another, which is working to change public perceptions and cultivate tolerance for TGs in our society. We all stand to benefit from such commitment.

For someone that out, some of the concerns and precautions I am discussing in this series do not really apply. But for the time being, I wouldn’t say that Sandra is a typical TG, simply because most of us cannot step that far out of the closet, at least not yet. I definitely fall in the category of TGs who feels she cannot be totally open with the entire world about my gender orientation. There are certain people I prefer not to traumatize, my work situation has to be considered, and being outed in my small town would result in social ostracism.

These concerns effectively shrink my TG world. Yes, I’ve been going out for years, and I cannot overemphasize how important and rewarding that activity is, but I am careful where I go and what I do. What that essentially means is that I’m not “out” in my home town and even in Amarillo I tend to avoid places where I’m likely to bump into people from home, people who might recognize me and talk about me behind my back. It means I don’t go to the mall in a skirt, or to Outback (no pun intended) in a skirt, or … well, you get the idea. I pick and choose where I go carefully and so far that tactic has been successful. Yes, there is still a small amount of risk, and I’m always pushing the envelope a little bit, but I believe anyone sticking relatively close to the guidelines I’m suggesting in this series of posts can be reasonably sure of going out without creating problems for herself.

By the way, when I stray farther from home — Dallas or OKC, for example — then I’m much more willing to circulate in mainstream society without reservation. The last time I was in Santa Fe, for instance, I spent the entire weekend en femme and never put on a stitch of boy clothes until I was 30 minutes from home. I went wherever I wished, I did it all alone, and I had a ball.

People are going to be nicer than you think
I’ve said before but I’ll say it again: if you’ve taken pains to put together a tasteful look, and if you conduct yourself with an air of confidence and friendliness, you’re going to be amazed and delighted by just how often you have positive encounters with other people. The majority of people won’t even notice, and if they do give you a second look, they basically don’t care; they have their own lives to worry about. A smaller group of people will go out of their way to be nice and supportive, and that’s wonderful. Only a tiny fraction might be snarky, but if you’ll ignore them and maintain your confidence, it won’t go any further than that. As for store employees, they are almost universally going to behave as if waiting on a TG was the most normal thing in the world.

Remember, confidence and a warm smile make all the difference.

If you’re ever in doubt about whether it’s okay to go to a particular place in TG mode, just do what I do — pick up the phone and call them. Just tell them what’s up and ask how they feel about it. I haven’t had to do that too many times, but I’ve never had a negative reaction. In fact, when I arrive, I usually find they’ve been expecting me and go out of their way to welcome me.

Shopping for “your look”
I can tell you from experience that your outings will be much more enjoyable and people will interact with you more positively if you make a serious, informed effort to put together an attractive look. Now don’t go putting words in my mouth here — this does not mean that you have to be passable to go out! No matter what you may think or hear, the reality is that 99% of us don’t pass and never will, at least not without hormones, surgery and a fortune in clothes and cosmetics. But it is okay to not pass! People won’t hold that against you, and it won’t keep you from having a great time. That said, your self-image and the impression you make on others will be greatly enhanced if you learn how to apply makeup and hair effectively, dress tastefully, etc. This makes all the difference in the world. You can not pass and still be a very attractive person, but it does take some effort.

Discussions of how to choose a wig, how to wear makeup, how to figure out your clothing sizes, yada yada, are better left for our group meetings and other threads, so I’m not going to wade into all that now. But one of the most frequent questions from newbies is, “Where can I shop?” There are actually two questions there — “Where can I shop?” and “Where can I shop en femme (i.e., shop while dressed femininely)?” There are basically two answers: shopping online and shopping in brick-and-mortar retail stores.

The answer to online shopping is easy — once you’ve figured out your sizes, you can basically shop anywhere. Some sites like Suddenly Fem cater specifically to mtf crossdressers and offer clothing designed for the typical male anatomy. EBay is another great resource. Other crossdresser sites offer women’s fashions, but a a male has to be careful because many of the items may not fit a man too well, especially the one-size-fits-all variety. Bear in mind, however, that you are by no means limited to crossdresser sites. Any women’s clothing site will work, so it’s just a matter of finding the styles you like. Spiegel and Newport News are two sites that are popular with several of my CD friends, but there are many more.

Let me take a second here to address a concern many gurls have about ordering online — how to handle deliveries. If for some reason you would rather not have orders delivered to your home or office, consider renting a mail box at one of the retail mail centers such as your local UPS Store. They’re inexpensive and your packages will be held for you — if you wish, they’ll even call you when your packages arrive.

As I mentioned, knowing your sizes really helps in ordering what’s right for you. There are some useful sizing guides (like this one) on some of these sites, but the most sure-fire solution is to try things on at a clothing store, which brings us to your second option. Way, way too many TGs are uptight about shopping for women’s wear in retail stores. That’s entirely unnecessary. TGs may not be mainstream yet, but these days most stores have strict policies about non-discrimination and store personnel have been trained to provide us with courteous service. After all, your money is as good as anyone else’s. Even in a conservative town like Amarillo, Sandra and I can personally testify that you can shop without fear just about anywhere, and specifically at stores like Dillards, Bealls, Penneys, Kohls, Victoria’s Secret, Target, Payless and WalMart, just to name a few. What’s more, if you need assistance, you shouldn’t hesitate to come right out and tell the sales clerk that you’re shopping for yourself, and that you’d like to use a fitting room to try things on. Even better, try shopping en femme. Trust me, it will be okay — actually, it’s pretty fun. This may be a little hard for you to believe just yet, but if you’ll try it just once, you’ll discover we’re right.

Here’s another hot tip for you: women’s sizes can be pretty confusing, so until you’ve figured out your sizes pretty accurately, consider hitting the thrift stores, too. It’s a great way to experiment with sizes and styles without wasting a lot of money on mistakes. In fact, I still hit the thrift stores regularly and have found some of my favorite outfits there. And yes, I often shop en femme.

Makeup is another huge question mark for newbies, and I’ll admit there is a big learning curve involved. This is an issue we want to address on a regular basis in the support group and we have a terrific makeup artist who has agreed to help us, but in the meantime, you can find tons of advice by Googling “makeup for crossdressers”. Nothing beats person-to-person coaching, but that’ll get you started. As for where to buy, the answer is — you guessed it — anywhere that sells cosmetics. We all have our favorites, but most of us really love MAC makeup, which can be found in MAC stores and in upscale department stores such as Dillard’s. I often shop for Cover Girl, L’Oreal and Revlon at WalMart (that’s also where I buy my temporary nails and eyelashes). Sally Beauty Supply is another good resource (Amarillo has three locations). And in case you’re wondering, you can definitely request a makeover at the cosmetic counters. The technicians will be happy to oblige, but don’t abuse the situation. Be prepared to buy some makeup to compensate the technician for her effort.

Wigs, breastforms, jewelry and other accessories are easy. We’ve provided some links on this site, as well as some local stores in our Directory. We don’t list a resource unless we have personally dealt with the merchant or a recommendation has been made by someone we trust. In other words, you can shop with confidence and expect great products and good service at fair prices.

Making your getaway
Some of you may be in my situation — maybe there’s someone in your home you’d rather didn’t see you in gurl mode, and/or you need to get to your car and out of the neighborhood without being spotted by someone you know. That can be a problem if you want to be made up and dressed before arriving at your destination. In this case, it’s time to get creative. Here are some tips that have worked for me:

• Invest in some light luggage in which to keep the stuff you’ll need for an outing. I keep a duffel bag packed with some shoes, a couple of outfits, stockings and underwear, breastforms, a purse, etc. I have smaller individual bags for my makeup, hair and jewelry, which I store in a smaller duffel. I can toss both duffels in the trunk ahead of time and hit the road on a moment’s notice.
• If possible, consider putting on your underwear, stockings, etc. under your street clothes before leaving the house. This makes changing much easier and avoids having to get completely undressed to change. If I’m leaving the house after dark and there’s no one else home, I might also put on my makeup, breastforms and jewelry.
• The simplest solution is to grab your bag(s) and head for one of our group meetings, where you are welcome to use the facilities to do your makeup and get dressed. At meeting’s end, you can either change back on the premises or, better yet, stay dressed and join us as we go out for the evening. But sometimes this isn’t a good option for me — I might wish to get dressed for my outings earlier in the day so I can run errands en femme, or because I enjoy driving in gurl mode, or because it’s not always meeting day when I go out. In this case, I look for another solution.
• These days, my normal MO is to use a friend’s private facility before leaving town. This works great, almost as good as dressing at home. Or maybe you have a friend who doesn’t mind you changing at her house. If you have this option, it eliminates a lot of inconvenience.

Lodging
Checking into a hotel or motel is my favorite solution for dressing away from home, especially if I’m going out of town and able to spend the night. I’ve chosen this option in Amarillo many times. Compared to your other options, it’s downright luxurious and chock full of perks. And from the get-go let me make one thing perfectly clear — if you’re nervous about the staff knowing you’re a TG, get over it. ‘Cuz you know what?

They. Do. Not. Care.

Understand? Good. Here are some of my parameters and experiences:

• I normally look for a motel in the mid to econo price range, but for all I know I would be as welcome at an upscale hotel as anywhere.
• I prefer a room with its own exterior door for the most direct access to my car, but that’s not a deal breaker. In fact, it matters to me less all the time.
• If I’ve dressed earlier in the day, I do not hesitate to check in en femme. Again, they-do-not-care.
• Likewise for running to the ice machine, the vending machine, the lobby or whatever.
• I prefer upstairs rooms cuz I like going up the stairs in my mini-skirt. Yes, I am scandalous.
• Don’t put your cell phone next to the electronic door key in your purse cuz sometimes the phone will scramble the key. I usually ask for two keys, but it’s no big deal to go to the front desk for another one if you have to.
• If you’re planning a late night, check in early in the day so you can take a nap. And I love being able to shave my legs right before I go out so they’ll be silky smooth all evening.
• I love throwing on a little makeup and a skirt the next morning to go to the lobby for coffee and continental, but I usually sleep too late for that.
• It’s wonderful not having to drive home after clubbing, and being able to shower and dress again the next morning for another fun day en femme before going home.

Quick change artist
When all else fails, there’s always Plan C. Actually, I sometimes choose this option because it’s the most opportune or convenient.

• Plan C is to change in my car. Because it usually takes me about an hour to change, this requires some thought. Many times I’ve used a rest area on the highway. This sounds harder than it actually is, and while it can be a little awkward at first, with a little practice you can develop a system that works pretty well. If you have this option, make sure the rest area is well lit and safe. I have never felt unsafe doing this, but keep your doors locked anyway. It also helps if your car has good interior lighting, including an illuminated vanity mirror. Try to keep the time you might be undressed to an absolute minimum. I do my makeup, nails and jewelry first, which takes up 95% of the time needed for the transformation. Then I get my gurl clothes laid out so it only takes me a minute or so to change. With all that done, I straighten up my car interior, stash my bags in the trunk, put on my wig and bada-bing, I’m a good time waitin’ to happen!
• In lieu of a rest area, I scout for a place in the city proper, usually a retail parking lot. My favorite place is a small, secluded, but well lit back lot located near the Target store. The mall parking lot works fine — look for a cozy spot away from the main entrances. I’ve also used the front lot at a truck stop.
• At evening’s end, when it’s time to go home, I simply reverse the procedure, stopping somewhere (usually the rest area) to turn into a pumpkin again. I keep makeup remover, water and a wash cloth in my car, and always take time to stow everything neatly back in my bags after changing.

Da Man
Some of you may be wondering if I have ever had an encounter with law enforcement during these or other escapades. Yup, sure have. Two times in seven years, in fact, both of them at the rest area, both of them routine checks. I think the state trooper was wondering if I was a “working girl”, the other one (a local deputy from a nearby town) was just being nice, checking to see if I was a damsel in distress. It didn’t really matter, but both times I was fortunate to have already finished the transformation, so I wasn’t caught in some awkward in-between stage. I know — vanity, vanity. Anyway, in such a situation, it is vital to remember:

• to be completely honest, cooperative and polite
• that you are doing nothing illegal
• that you are not the first TG this officer has ever seen, and that he has been trained to deal with a TG like he does anyone else
• that unless you are naked or intoxicated, you have nothing to be afraid of

So was I scared? The first time, I was nervous but I wasn’t afraid; I sensed it was going to be okay and acted accordingly. The trooper was polite, professional and brief. The second time I wasn’t nervous at all, kind of enjoyed it in fact, because I could tell the young deputy was either really curious or maybe even a little turned on by what he was seeing, but he couldn’t figure out how to broach the subject. He didn’t even check my ID, just smiled as I batted my eyes at him and assured him that I was okay, thanking him profusely for being so sweet.

Nightlife
Okay, so you’ve successfully navigated the magical transformation from boy to gurl (or girl to boy) and you’re all set to have a good time. Where, besides our wonderful, fulfilling, enriching group meetings, is there to go, what is there to do? I’m so glad you asked.

If you’re hungry, there are definitely safe, TG-tolerant eateries all over town. We have eaten in numerous restaurants and always been treated with courtesy. I will confess that while I’ve done most of my dining solo, having some company makes the restaurant experience much more fun. There isn’t a fast food joint in town I would hesitate to try, except maybe a few near the mall or Soncy. Ditto for convenience stores, gas stations, etc., which I think are a lot of fun.

Most of us go clubbing when we want a night out, and most TGs gravitate to gay and lesbian clubs, even if they’re not gay themselves. Why? Because those offer the most tolerant atmospheres. Fortunately, Amarillo has several excellent GLBT clubs, all within a few blocks of each other in the downtown district. They are well run and if you follow a few common sense rules (see below), you’re not likely to encounter any unpleasantness. To the contrary, they are great places to hang out, make new friends, enjoy the music, dance or watch the game on the TV monitors. Three of the clubds have live DJs later in the evening. The 212 has drag shows on Sunday nights that are hugely popular, drawing a large crowd of gays and straights.

I should inject here that you are not going to see many other TGs in the Amarillo clubs, not because they aren’t friendly environments but because too many of us are still hiding in the closet. But we’re hoping to change all that if we can get you gurls to join us for our GNOs (gurls night out). It’s been my experience that club goers tend to take more interest in a TG group than in loners, which is all the more reason for us to band together and recruit new members. But don’t take that the wrong way — when I mention interest, I don’t necessarily mean sexual interest, which is something hetero TGs sometimes worry about. The truth is, gays and lesbians aren’t typically interested in TGs in that way, especially if the TG isn’t gay.

As for other forms of entertainment, anything’s possible — straight clubs, movies, bowling, coffee shops, church, all sorts of things. I personally haven’t done too much of that, but that’s not to say you shouldn’t. I would suggest that it might be best, or better, to do them with friends rather than alone, at least until you’re familiar with the venues and they with you. I for one am dying to go to a straight nightclub, but I probably won’t until I have some straight friends to go with. Hint, hint.

Use your head
We’ve all heard horror stories about unpleasant encounters and worse. Yes, they do happen to women, children, minorities, gays … and TGs. This ain’t a perfect world. But in more than seven years of venturing out into the world, I haven’t had a single bad experience. Not even a close call, knock on wood. I tend to believe that God watches over me, but I also think it’s because I’ve tried, for the most part, to exercise some common sense, and you should too.

Go out with friends if possible. If you can, let someone know where you’re going and when you’ll be home. Stay away from the rough parts of town. Stay out of leather bars (not that Amarillo has any leather bars) and biker bars. Make friends with the bartenders and club owners and always tip well.

Avoid dark alleys and deserted parking lots late at night. Stop at the door to look around and keep your wits about you going to and from your car. Have your keys ready and don’t unlock the car until you’re ready to get in. Look inside your car before getting in. In the unlikely event someone were to hassle you, ask the bartender or a bouncer to accompany you to your car when you leave.

Be sweet to everyone and don’t get into arguments. Avoid drunks. Don’t drink too much yourself. Be tactful and kind when brushing off unwanted advances. Ignore insults. Don’t flirt with someone else’s girlfriend or boyfriend. Don’t get in a car or go home with someone you don’t know very well. Don’t pick up strangers.

Make sure you always have identification, your keys, some cash and a cell phone in your purse. A loud whistle and some pepper spray’s not a bad idea either. Be wary of other pedestrians and avoid groups hanging around on street corners. If someone follows you while driving, head for a police station.

In other words, use your head. There’s no need to be paranoid, but being careful will nearly always keep you out of trouble. Relax and have fun.

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Okey-dokey, that about wraps up this introductory series on the Amarillo TG scene. I hope it’s helpful, but I’m sure I’ve overlooked things, and I know there are other ways of looking at some issues. I would love to hear your thoughts and questions, so please, let us hear from you. Post all the comments you want, or jet me an email. Better yet, get involved in the group so we can hash it all out together.

You’ve heard mention of the “Group”, well let me tell you about it.

First: for the new sisters or brothers, I offer to meet with you outside of the group in a public place like a restaurant. I’ve mentioned this in a previous blog I know, still it needs to be reiterated. I know of a couple of places we can meet, one in particular that is very accepting of us. If you have a spouse that would like to join us they may and if they would like my spouse will be glad to join us. This gives you a chance to meet me during the day and at a public place. You come as you are, there is no need for you to be any more uncomfortable then you already are. Most girls have a ton of butterflies when we meet and afterwards when they’ve had a chance to ask questions they find it’s very enlightening. One of the reasons for meeting outside of the group is for screening. It is our goal to keep and have a safe meeting place.

Second: when you do come to a meeting you can come as you are and if you want to change clothes after you get there we do have a place for you to change your clothes. I try to get there about 30 minutes early for those who need to change clothes. The group is open to you of course, your immediate family or those who have a desire to learn more about us and will support us. If you feel safe with having a friend there then bring them.

During the meetings: We do plan to have various topics at different times and these topics will depend on what the group is needing at that time. The main emphasis’s is support and this will always be up for discussion at every meeting. We will share information about other groups which we have visited or have regular contact with. We will discuss any new topics in the news concerning TG’s. We will try and have any information about any upcoming events near or far to us. Of course we will discuss anything to do with clothing, make up, shoes, wigs, nails and hair removal.

Meetings other then scheduled: This is getting together for a bar-b-que, make-overs, going to the club which for those who want to go we usually go after a group meeting or a rod trip. We are planning a make-over evening in the first part of 2009 and a road trip about late spring time. I’m always up for a shopping trip. We do have sisters from out of town that come through and we always try and get together for at least lunch and a visit.

As you can see the group is for support, a place to be with others like you, discuss what’s on your mind, hear the stories of the great adventures from your sisters that are out and about and to learn more about yourself. We do have a referral if you need to visit with a therapist. The group is facilitated by TG’s for TG’s. We are like you and we cover a good range of the spectrum. You are not alone. This is not a place to pick up dates, go to the clubs for that if you must.

HUGS Sandra

In our community the word “Out” has so many connotations. I want to cover of few of the ways we us the word “out”.

First: The phrase “I was outed……” This is when someone outside of the community reveals the fact that you are who you are. This could be a Friend of whom you confided in, pissed off girlfriend or someone you are dating or even if someone just happens to figure out it’s you being you. The later is one we’ve all worried-worry about. I have accepted the fact that I am recognized as a man in a dress some of the time. I do see and hear a lot of questions like “Is that a man or a woman?”and I do get referred to as being a woman. The main thing I was going for was not to be recognized as my butch self and I have manage to do that. I will discuss this in more detail in another blog.

Second: going out and about…This is a term used when we go out as our true selves. Whether it be shopping, dinner or whatever we do we do en femme.

Third: “I came out”……This is when we start to tell not just a few select people, this is when we begin the journey of telling all our friends and our work about our true self. This might be a certain date where we through a party and invite all we know and announce to the world we are TG. This could be something in which we begin to tell others one at a time and it may take a couple of years to get the word out. For some they will tell everyone except their parents, while others their parents are the first to know. Telling the parents is something that only you can decide when and how to do. For many TS their therapist require that they tell their parents before they can even start Hormone therapy. No matter what, you are the one that should decide on when, if at all, you come out to the public. You still owe it to yourself to be with others like yourself. That’s what the group is for, to be with others like yourself; no we will not force you to do anything that you are not ready for or comfortable with.

Forth: “I go out to the club”…..This one refers to exactly what it says. I went out to the club last night and thats the only place they went….home-club-home, that’s it. Occasionally this might include going to a very early breakfast after the club closes.

I go out and about regularly and I am in the process of coming out or should I say blossoming. I’ve really been surprised by my acceptance from those I’ve told and met.

HUGS Sandra

Hi All

There are those of us who can go to other places and find people like us for the interaction we seek. Then there are those of us who can not travel or who have no idea where to even go if they did travel. With the price of gas this past year no one could really afford to go too far or even on a regular basis to any place. The nearest group from Amarillo is about 250 miles, I’m only able to go out a few times a year to other cities due to other commitments. The fact that we are so far from any other group is the main reason I begun this group. The demographics alone shows there are about at least 2,000 of us here in the panhandle. Yes that’s correct 2,000. You see you’re not alone. The main purpose for the group is to get us connected no matter where you are in the spectrum, be it just wearing a few articles of clothing or post-op TS. The biggest hurdle for any TG is stepping out of the house. The nice thing about the group is you don’t have to do anything except come as you are, no need to dress up and no need to worry about anything just come and be with others like yourself.

I offer to meet for the first time with any sister or brother outside of the group at a public place like a restaurant. This gives you the opportunity to visit with me one on one and or bring your spouse along too. I am married and my spouse will be glad to join us if need be. You just come in your natural mode, there is no need for you to feel any more uncomfortable then you feel already. I do use a place that is very receptive of us and they have great food.

At the meetings we can talk about anything TG you need to talk about, whether it be how to, what, when or help topic. Between Sherri and I we can answer just about any question. We are planning to have different topics at various times during the meetings, anywhere from how to techniques to visiting Doctors from different fields.

Email me and let’s talk, Sandra

No discussion of coming out of the closet is complete without talking about the barriers, the things holding us back and burying us in the closet if we let them. These hindrances are serious and can only be dispelled by putting them out on the table and talking about them. They must be serious — why else would so many of us languish in lonely misery, longing for acceptance and companionship but too afraid to do anything about it? Some of our fears are based on false assumptions, while others are legitimate. Let’s take a look at them and see if we can separate myth from reality and figure out what to do about both.

First let’s list some of the common reasons for hesitation:

• Fear of divulging our secret
• Social stigma
• Fear of disapproval and ridicule
• Fear of scandal and alienation
• Fear of misunderstanding
• Fear of harassment
• Fear of hurting those we love
• Lack of self-confidence
• Assuming we have to “pass”
• Not knowing where to go and what to do
• Fear of going it alone
• Disapproval of a spouse or significant other (SO)
• Confusion about sexual orientation
• Fear of losing control
• No interest

Hmmm, that’s a pretty formidable litany of obstacles. On second thought, you’d have to be crazy to even think about coming out. Let’s forget the whole thing.

Just kidding. Let’s press on. But before we do, I want to make an important point:

Technically, the terms “out” and “coming out” usually refer to a gay or transgender person making the conscious decision to deliberately and unabashedly announce to the world his or her sexual or gender orientation, and let the chips fall where they may. Obviously, this means that person has decided that freedom from secrecy and duplicity are worth any adverse consequences he may have to face as a result of coming out.

But this sort of full disclosure is not necessarily what I am referring to in our situation. In fact, given the state of things, I don’t believe full disclosure is a smart choice for many of us whose lives and common sense dictate that some sort of limited disclosure might be the preferred route. Discretion is the better part of valor and all that. I believe with all my heart that things are changing rapidly and the time is fast approaching when a TG can function in mainstream society without fear of stigma or reprisal, but it ain’t here yet, baby. Thankfully there are a few of us — pioneers all, God bless ‘em — whose circumstances and personal courage permit them to step into the spotlight of “out all the way” disclosure, but the rest of us must be satisfied with striking some sort of compromise, which I prefer to think of as balance.

I think Sandra has a slightly different outlook on this than I do, and hopefully she will be sharing that with us, but I know that she is also very sympathetic to the concerns of those who are interested in a more conservative approach. Consequently, what you will be hearing from us will be a blend of a recognition of the need for discretion and a call to help us in our trailblazing efforts.

One more thing — there’s no way I can exhaust this subject here in this blog. That would take a whole library of books, or better yet, some personal dialog. Which brings us back to the support group, but you know where I’m going with that. Okay, let’s move on.

No interest in coming out
Before I say another thing, I want to acknowledge right up front that not every TG feels the need to come out. More than a few are quite content to keep their dressing or whatever to themselves, not out of any sense of fear or guilt particularly, but because that is enough for them. They have no need to disclose anything, no urge to step out the front door or interact with others. There’s nothing wrong with that attitude and I have no desire whatsoever to try to persuade those people otherwise. If that’s where you’re at, stick to your guns. All I ask is that you be honest with yourself, and should the time ever come when you begin to feel the need for interaction of some sort … well, you know where to come.

The shame game
All too often, shame and guilt are the greatest barriers to a TG experiencing life as a cross-gender being. Grrrr, that makes me so mad! Not at the TG, but at the forces that put such thoughts in her head. I don’t want to delve too deeply into the subject of why we are transgender — that’s a whole other discussion — but unless you are just a kinky fetishist in this for the sexual thrill, odds are your gender identity is all wrapped up with who you are as a human being and certainly not something you should be ashamed of.

So the next time you get all dressed up, I want you to go to the mirror and instead of worrying about your makeup or your hemline, look yourself in the eye and remind yourself that you are looking at a good, decent, interesting person whose gender identity is nothing to be ashamed of. The only reason you might have to feel guilty is if you fail to deal with your gender issues honestly and courageously. The more effort you put into understanding transgender issues and what it means to be transgender, the less guilty you will feel about it. And the only way you’re going to understand is to quit beating yourself up and find some peers to interact with. Hint, hint.

Prejudice
I don’t have to tell you that we have not yet reached the point in our society where TGs are accepted as “normal” — whatever the heck normal means — by a fairly large segment of our society. (I know some “normal” people who are pretty screwed up, don’t you?) We can take that one step further and admit that there is a certain amount of prejudice in our society concerning TGs.

Right now, society is still largely ignorant about such matters and let’s face it, all too often ignorant people tend to disrespect things they don’t understand. We have only to consider the histories of women, minorities and gays to know this is true; those histories can also inform us as to what must happen in order for TGs to gain tolerance and acceptance. It starts with you being honest with yourself, even if you don’t totally understand what you’re experiencing, and having the courage to insist, in a kind and diplomatic way, that those around you treat you with kindness and respect. In other words, you have to respect yourself before anyone else will respect you.

Fortunately, there are a growing number of TGs coming out of the closet and taking an activist role in addressing transgender issues head-on. These intrepid souls are integrating into mainstream society, dispelling myths and misperceptions, lobbying for equal rights, demanding fair treatment in the workplace and functioning as sane, safe citizens of the realm. Most importantly, TGs of every persuasion, and to varying degrees of “outness”, engage in person-to-person interaction, which is the most effective way to defuse prejudice and open people’s minds and hearts. Pioneers in a way, they pave the way for all of us to realize our dream of social integration. That’s why it’s important for all of us to do what we can to further the cause, for ourselves and for each other.

Fear
Prejudice. It’s such an ugly word. It strikes fear into the hearts and minds of TGs because of the havoc it can wreak in their lives. To be outed as a sissy, a pervert, a transvestite can result in broken homes and marriages, familial alienation, loss of friends, loss of job, social ostracization and even harassment. In other words, your life can be turned upside down. This is especially true for TGs who happen to live in small, conservative communities where everybody knows everybody and the rumor mill never sleeps. No wonder TGs hide in the closet, imprisoned by their fear.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. With a liberal application of common sense and discretion, a TG can avoid all the bad stuff and still expand his TG universe, enjoying slices of life in his or her adopted gender and dealing compassionately with loved ones. We’ll talk at greater length about this in Part III. For now, I just want to stress how important it is to realize that while each of us must be realistic about his or her situation, don’t make the mistake of exaggerating the risk. There are strata in our culture where you can function in your chosen gender identity at least part-time, and it is possible to do so and keep your life on track. We’ll be talking about balance quite a bit later on.

Insecurity
The second most frequent excuse I hear from closeted TGs who want to go out but haven’t is, “But I can’t pass.” In other words, because he doesn’t believe that he can pass himself off as a gender girl (GG) and fool everyone that he’s a real woman, why then, he’ll just stay home.

That’s nonsense.

For one thing, passing is virtually impossible for most (but not all) crossdressers unless they’re willing to undergo some pretty radical hormonal therapy and a few surgeries. For another thing, it doesn’t matter because you know what? You’re not a real woman. You’re a guy with strong feminine traits and a need to function in ways that reflect that. There’s nothing wrong with that. But here’s the really important solution to this dilemma: what’s far more important than passing is learning how to present yourself as a tasteful, attractive, feminine person who is confident, relaxed, friendly and … well, like I said, attractive. This makes all the difference in the world, trust me. I’ll talk more about this later.

Another source of anxiety seems to be a TG’s confusion about what his or her gender blending means in terms of sexual orientation, and the fear that escalating her activities will cause her sexual behavior to go spinning out of control. Usually, this worry is expressed by a heterosexual TG who is fretting that his gender blurring might mean that he is gay. (This is also the worry of many SOs trying to cope with the situation.) Well, this particular subject warrants its own thread, so I won’t even pretend to adequately discuss it here. I will say that stereotypical perceptions can creep back in here, failing to reflect the fact that there’s a little bit of sexual blurring in all of us. That said, crossdressing is not some form of uncontrollable sexual possession. Contrary to public perception, it does not prove that you are gay, nor are you going to suddenly start lusting after men (or women, as the case may be). I will admit that some heretofore heterosexual crossdressers express occasional fantasies of being romanced the way a woman is wooed by a man, but I can also testify that most of them have or would discover that there is big difference between fantasy and reality.

To my way of thinking, if you’re single, this really isn’t a problem. Even if you did discover that you are gay, so what? Go with it, I say. And if you’re not sure, a little experimentation will probably tell you everything you need to know. But if you are in a committed heterosexual relationship, you should first be mature enough to distinguish between an occasional fantasy — and we all have fantasies of some sort — and who you really are, and behave accordingly. Second, you are honor bound to respect and protect the commitment of love and fidelity you have made to another person who could be traumatized by a minute’s selfish behavior. I mean, when you think about it, we all face temptation; what married person isn’t ever attracted to someone else, doesn’t fantasize about having an affair or a one night stand? We all have. That doesn’t mean we should act on those impulses, right? Well, it’s no different just because you put on a dress, so get over it and enjoy what you have.

The nuts and bolts
Surprisingly, one of the most often-cited reasons TGs remain closeted is that they simply don’t know how to go about getting out of the house. How to get to the car and down the street undetected, where to go, what to do, how to be safe? And too, most of us would much prefer to have some company to ease those newbie qualms, but where to find suitable companions?

We’ll take a look at details in Part III, but now I want to point out that answers to these questions are usually at your fingertips. I did a quick online search for gay clubs in Amarillo (guessing that they were my best chance at finding a tolerant environment), then simply picked up the phone and called ’round, verifying that I could indeed go to a particular club without fear of rejection or reprisal. I know Sandra used the OUTstanding web site to make personal contacts (which, by the way, eventually led Sandra to serving on the OUTstanding board, a position she still holds). If I’m not mistaken, only later did they venture to clubs and other public venues.

So what I’m saying is the answer to this problem is as close as your computer and cell phone. It ain’t rocket science, baby. As for company, if that’s what you’re looking for, well, that’s what Amarillo TG Support Group is all about.

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In Stepping Out Part III we’ll get down to the brass tacks of going out.